Be self-compassionate.
Self-compassion does not mean condoning the behaviour. It means accepting that you sin but that does not mean you are a horrible person. If you end up hating yourself telling yourself how horrible you are because you watch porn, you are not going to overcome the problem. Treat yourself as if you are unwell and you need to get better. If you plan not to watch porn for 5 days and end up failing in 3, focus on the two that you did well instead of the three that you failed.
Accept that you have a problem and that porn is not ‘cool.’
There is no way you are going to beat consuming porn if, at some level, you don’t believe that you have a problem. This is also connected to many people who want to overcome porn but still think that porn is cool and acceptable and is a mark of being open-minded. There is nothing okay about porn. Imagine if you saw someone who goes around peeking at windows to watch people having sex? What is the difference between a person who watches through windows, even if the people having sex are okay with it, and the one who watched a recording of the same?
Understand that you can overcome it.
If you believe that there is nothing you can do to beat porn, you already have lost the battle. Remind yourself every day that you can beat porn. Even when you fail and think that it is not worth it, remind yourself that you can. Remind yourself that porn does not have so much power over you that you are completely a slave. You can. Day by day. Baby steps.
Confront the underlying problem.
Often times, people who watch porn have an underlying problem. Victim-survivors of abuse, especially sexual abuse, tend to consume porn. In addition, people who watch porn do so because they are lonely, depressed and with low self-worth and vice versa is also true; watching porn increases one’s level of a sense of loneliness, depression and low self-worth.
Confront the issues that push you to watch porn. Is it any of the above? Do you have social anxiety that makes you unable to make friends? Could you risk a bit more to make friends? Could you see a counsellor in order to help you overcome the pain and hurt you have experienced? What feelings do you have when you are about to watch porn?
Keep busy!
The old saying that an idle mind is a devil’s workshop cannot be truer in this regard. When you don’t fill your time with healthy activities, then your idleness will take advantage and you will be tempted to consume porn. Read a book, get involved in some voluntary work or go for a walk.
Eliminate the triggers.
This is very key. You cannot overcome alcoholism if you keep hanging around bars and keep alcohol in your house. Same thing with porn. If you want to beat porn and you are serious about it, you need to eliminate the triggers. This could either mean cutting off access to porn on your phone or computer using porn-blockers such as covenanteyes.com (which I highly recommend), to getting rid of your gadgets for a while. You won’t die. Burn magazines and CDs or any other physical place you have stored porn.
In addition to this, you might want to work in social places. Don’t just work on your phone or laptop constantly alone in the privacy of your room. That will increase the chances of opening porn which you wouldn’t do if you are in a public place. In short, deal with the triggers and triggering environment as a way forward.
Remember, just like many people drink alcohol to escape pain and frustration, so do many who watch porn. It makes you feel good for a while before thrusting you back down.
Get an accountability partner.
“Two are better than one…If they fall, one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up… And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him. A threefold cord is not quickly broken” (Eccles. 4:9–12).
It is very difficult to acquire any good habit alone. It is a very frustrating and lonesome journey often with little fruits. Get someone you can be honest with about your battle. Someone who is trustworthy, honest and truly cares about you. This could be a friend, family or religious leader where there is a sense of friendship.
Elevate your motivation to change.
If you are changing only to avoid shame and being caught, the chances of sustaining that change is very low. Change because of a higher motive such as pleasing God or because true love does not admit of lust. Change because you understand that the porn industry thrives on the back of naïve girls, drug addicts and perverts. Change because you love yourself enough to understand that porn is not an activity of people who love themselves. Change because interpersonal love is greater than virtual lust.
Pray!
“Where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more (Rom. 5:20). We are spiritual beings. We have a maker. Talk to your maker to restore you to factory settings where we had original grace. He knows that you watch porn. Ask him for the grace to overcome the habit. Confess your sins and worship according to your denomination or religion. Place holy objects near places where you might be tempted to use porn. Believe in the Mercy of God and don’t believe that God is standing next to you wanting to kill you but waiting to welcome you back as the Merciful Father that he is. Ask the saints to walk with you.
Remember, sex is not a need!
One of the biggest lies of our time is that sex is a need and not a desire albeit a powerful one. This means that even though you might feel like dying, you won’t die. Find a balance between repressing it and being a slave to it. Understand that it is okay and normal to have sexual desires, to at times fail in the path of self-regulation and that sex is beautiful and holy. Understand that sex, when it is used as a way of communion between a husband a wife, it becomes so fulfilling and amazing and social scientific studies do support this; married couples in stable marriages report the highest sexual levels of satisfaction.
Porn knows no gender.
Yes, more men than women watch porn but the gap is not as wide as it once was. If you are a girl or a lady using porn, you might feel horrible because porn is supposed to be a “men problem.” However, this is not the case. Women too, do get addicted to porn. Don’t beat yourself to a pulp because you are a woman with a porn issue. Pull yourself together and start the process.
Make friends, true friends.
Do you have friends? Are your friends people you can be honest with? As I said above, porn works on the lonely. Have some friends, hang out and have some fun. Talk about important things too. Make your friendship a place of vulnerability.
Rebuild your Romance:
Often, people in marriages and long-term relationships have lost the fire of love due to conflicts or routine. They have resorted to porn since they are no longer attracted to each other. Find out ways to restore your relationship and to enjoy it and make it your safe place.
Be patient with the process.
You are not going to change completely tomorrow or even in a month or two. Don’t aim for giant steps. Focus on a day at a time without a deadline. Focus on being better every other day even if that improvement is minor. Trust the process.
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